i'm fat.

when a comic strip starts delving into tentacle porn, I'm out.

I haven't felt like blogging lately.

At all.

I don't expect that to change any time soon...

...but I AM beginning to have some ideas again and am writing off in my own little personal space.

As Neil Gaiman says, the little engines in my brain are turning again.

YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!

BEST TV DAY EVER!!!! Dollhouse AAAAND Castle renewed!!! More Joss Whedon and Nathan Fillion (and apparently Alan Tudyk) on TV is ALWAYS a good thing. :-D

I must admit, I am getting rather hooked on Dhani Tackles the Globe.

Annnnnnnnd now you're hurting my other friend. Crawl back into the fucked up little hole you slithered out of.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I want to plant a butterfly garden. Or rather, a butterfly-hummingbird-herb-rose garden. Probably due to the desire to put down metaphorical and literal roots.

Plants I want:
nasturtiums
columbines
honeysuckle
lavender
rose trees
climbing roses
basil
mint
thyme
pansies
johnny-jump-ups

And I want two chairs, a table, a small fire pit, and a tiny wee fountain. I'll sit in my chair and sip lemonade and smell my flowers and read my book and life will be beautiful.

I wish I'd never met you.

I'm Not Your Friend, You Don't Know Me, and I Don't Care About You.

I don't necessarily think you are a bad person. 

I just think you are horribly cruel and selfish and destructive. Every time I feel good about something, you find a way to make me feel ashamed or disappointed. Every time I feel bad about something, you find a way to make me wish I was dead. Without even trying. 

I try to tell you how you make me feel, and you make it my neurosis. YOUR cruelty is MY neurosis. I try to fix my reaction, you get mad. I try to fix the way you treat me, you get mad. You shut down. You need help and support, I'm there, no questions asked, no complaints. I need help, or even just companionship, you shut down. Change the subject. Ditch me to go get some ass. Turn away and play a goddamn video game. Fall a-fucking-sleep. 

I make friends with someone else, someone you met first. You manage to turn my long-awaited girls' night with her into an awkward midnight visit with both of you. Then you insult my social life. 

WELL YOU CAN JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'M DONE WITH YOU. AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING NOTICE.

I'm Already Gone

It's done. I've removed him from my life and he probably didn't even notice it happened. I'd like to check in and see how he's taking it but that would involve talking to him and that's something I promised myself I wouldn't do. General consensus from my secret sources is that he'll probably be badgering me at some point to figure out where the hell I've gone, and I suppose I'll have to tell him, but for all intents and purposes, I'm out.

Things I'd Forgotten

1. October Sky makes me cry. A lot. A LOT A LOT. Like the whole second half of the movie a lot.

2. Little Bear is wonderful and probably the reason that I love Bach's 1st Cello Suite so much and why I find it so very soothing to listen to or to play. 

3. Nothing to Lose is no fun without the cursing.

 1. Writers' block. Auuuuuugh.

2. I can't afford my apartment and have to move.

3. Would anybody but my mother miss me if I disappeared?

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why the hell you annoy me so much. Maybe it's because you don't care that we haven't had a real conversation in months. Or because you succeeded in turning my girls' night into an awkward conversationless hour with both of you. 

Or maybe it's because I'm mad at myself because I don't have enough friends that I can tell you to go fuck yourself. Or because I'm mad at myself because I'm stupid enough to think you'll grow out of this fucked up phase and be my friend again.

FUUUUUCK.

People who annoy me:

-Tyra Banks

-Oprah

-anybody involved with The Hills

-Disney Channel clones

-Matthew McConnaughey 

-Lindsey Lohan and anyone she's ever dated

-Rush Limbaugh 

-Newt Gingrich

-Ryan Seacrest

-anybody involved with American Idol

-Taylor Swift

-Miss California 

-Perez Hilton

-Jennifer Aniston 

-people who talk in libraries

-the guy who lives below me who smokes under my window

Holy Crap!

I was watching an episode of Boston Legal tonight and much to my surprise, Denny Crane popped up in the synagogue I attended as a child! I don't like the synagogue or the way they do things or the rabbi there, BUT it's still pretty cool to see William Shatner sitting in the pew where I sat during my little sister's baby-naming ceremony. 

Plus I loved Boston Legal and I wish it was still on. Denny Crane and Alan Shore are such dynamic, fascinating characters and I want to see more of them. If only their bit at the end of the finale about getting a new deal on a better network were true...

In other news, the film crew stopping traffic on my block is gone, finally. At first I thought it was cool they were filming a pilot in the apartment building down the street, but when they stole all the parking spaces and got me chased back to my apartment by cops (I was merely passing by on my way back from school and NOT spying, and there was nothing to see anyway), it ceased to be exciting and became a major pain in the ass. Not to mention the fact that I'm sick to death of post-apocalyptic dramas like Lost and Heroes (but not Battlestar Galactica and Firefly) and this is literally more of the same, by one of the same writers. Of course, I'll have to watch it when it starts anyway, just to see what they did with the location. 

Conversely, if I had found out that what was filming in the park down the street, I'd have been much gladder and made much more of an effort to snoop around and spy on Justin Long. 

I need more positive people in my life. My best friend shouldn't be somebody who makes me feel like shit. 

It's up to you. Be a good part of my life, or watch me disappear.

Dooom.

I am sicker than i've been in years. I have writer's block. Somebody kill me.

Alone again, naturally

Felt like crying all day. No good reason. Too blargh to use articles. 

*Sob*

Same Old Saturday Night

Tired, lonely, and a little drunk. Same old Saturday night.

I need a friend.

Putting the *I* in Manuscript

So I went to another workshop with FLB yesterday. The first one was pretty incredible and very honest and inspiring, but this one was absolutely astounding. I think this one was instrumental in helping me in the development of my own voice. I'm getting a better feel for writing actual stories, rather than getting caught up in my own lyrical prose. Which is nice. Because that helps a whole lot in writing pieces people actually want to read.

And another thing. Talking with the women at the workshop, I had an epiphany. "Epipha-what?" An epiphany. I should've been writing this novel in first person all along. No wonder there's no sense of my protagonist's voice--it's MY voice and I haven't been using it. And those of you who know me know that I have a very strong, clear voice. This character is at least partially me, and she should sound like it. DUH. I think this is what the piece needs to give it the immediacy, personality, and humor I've been searching for and not finding. 

DUHHH. So I'm going to take a leaf out of my pal Iggy's screenplay and rewrite the whole thing, with the new document open side-by-side with the old. Anybody who wants to read either version, drop me a line via this or facebook or any other way you know to get in contact with me. You'll also be asked to sign a non-disclosure agreement that entitles me to your firstborn child if you disseminate my pieces in any way. (you think I'm kidding? try me.)

Curiouser and Curiouser.

I feel curious.

Tired and Pissed Off

Tonight was something of a waste of time. I'd rather have friends over when we can actually hang out and talk and enjoy each other, not when we just drink for an hour in the middle of the night. I just feel so unimportant, being a stop sign on the road to somewhere else. I miss the old days of real conversation and human interaction. What's changed? How has our friendship changed? Or did I just imagine it all?

A Penny Saved,

I know nobody reads this, but the entire Internet is my witness--I'm not spending any more money ever until I have enough to get out of debt and get back to Ireland. I'm firmly convinced that that is where I am meant to live the rest of my life. I find it very difficult to admit that I honestly do know what it is that I want out of life, but what I want is to live in Ireland and be a writer, a scholar, and a world traveler. I want to marry an Irish man and have Irish children and grow old in a home in the Western countryside. I no longer feel much connection to the religion of Judaism, but the ancient Stone Age portal tombs stir deeply religious feelings in me, and standing there, with the grey skies enfolding me like fleece and the cold, damp wind whipping sorrowfully about my shoulders, that is where I feel truly connected to my history. I can't ever explain why it is, but that is the only place where I really feel sure of what my innermost heart is saying. The sound of traditional drums and pipes stirs something in my blood that nothing else ever has, and that something makes me want to give up my old, staid, rule-following ways and be the wild adventuress I always wanted to be. It makes me feel as though I really do have something to say, something to offer the world. I have to get there. I have to find that something.

If anybody does read this, please leave a comment. I don't care who you are, or if you think I don't want you to know about this. Just let me know.

you make it very hard to be your friend a lot of the time.

Science Fiction

I've never approved of Valentine's Day as a holiday. It's totally bogus on all fronts, as the Onion so sweetly and succinctly explained. You might think my disapproval stems from my solitary state, but even during the years I've had boyfriends or dates on Valentine's Day, it's been awful. But fake holidays are not what I'm here to talk about.

ANYWAY...I was staying in tonight, partly because of rain and partly because, not only was there a new episode of "Battlestar Galactica," but Joss Whedon had a new series premiering, "Dollhouse." So I had myself a little scifi party, complete with takeout. I thoroughly enjoyed both shows, especially BSG, during which I finally felt like we poor viewers finally got some answers to all the questions and cliffhangers the writers have been building. It was great fun and I had a lovely evening playing with my kittens and instant messaging my scifi-minded friends and generally squealing with excitement at the new developments. 

And interestingly enough, I think that in itself gives me some clues about the kind of guy I want to be looking out for--a really nerdy one. The kind who'll spend Friday night on the couch with me and hold my hand when BSG (or Dollhouse) gets really exciting. 

Teeeheee. NERRRRRRD.

Workshop

A little over a week. Nervous.

Types

I'm having trouble deciding what kind of guy I want to be with. Do I want to be with a young, fun-loving and adventurous type? I met one of those a few weeks ago and he turned out to be a shiftless, drunk type with a girlfriend. Do I want to be with a serious, well-educated kind of guy? I met one of those, too, and he turned out to be an insufferable, dysfunctional, arrogant know-it-all. I don't know what I really want to be on the lookout for anymore, or how I should be presenting myself to attract the right kind of guys. I don't even know what the right kind of guy is anymore!

I'm just going to do what I like and see what comes. 

Blah Diddy Blah Blah

I am having a really hard time mustering the energy to give a crap about my homework. I fail to see how this excessive reading load or the ridiculous busywork I'm assigned to do makes me a better teacher, other than showing me what NOT to do. What would be so much more helpful is discussion sections where experienced teachers tell us what works for them and we discuss whether other ideas would be feasible or not. I have a few lectures like this, which are great. They still assign bogus readings, but at least the sections are good. But my English teaching methods course pisses me off no end. The professor talks to us like she thinks we should talk to high school students. I can understand the rationale behind this modeling technique but I don't find it particularly useful and I don't think anybody else does, either. I'd have found her manner of address demeaning even as a freshman in high school. It disappoints me, what this program says about the state of the educational system. All the wrong things are being emphasized and I don't know how to fix that. 

Meanwhile to console myself for the piteous state of American education, what I really want to do is get a massage and a facial and various other luxurious, sensual things. Alas, fortune does not permit. I might splurge this weekend anyway and get myself a full body massage. 

I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I signed up for a workshop with my favorite living author, Francesca Lia Block. In order to prepare for the workshop, she requests that each participant send in up to 5 pages of manuscript to share with the group. It took me quite some time to get going on my pages (mostly due to fear of sucking) but I finished them, and I sent them in. Now I'm waiting for her response...auuughhhh.

Ermmm...I don't really have anything to say. I'm trying to blog more often just as a writing/thinking exercise to stay in touch with my ideas. We'll see how that goes.

I don't know what to say about my life anymore. I'm happy. Things are going well. But I feel like my friendships are suffering. I don't know whether that means I need to change my life (again) or whether I need new friends.

Communication

Talking about the problem is much healthier than not talking about it. The drama is always much less.

I hate you.

Balance

All I really want is balance. I hate being in uneven relationships. To me, a friendship can't be satisfying unless it's balanced. Both parties trust and share in equal parts. No lying, no hiding, no holding out. No one person putting in all the effort and the other saying "I can't do it." No one person insisting the other stop being neurotic and then going off on his own neuroses. 

I want to continue being your friend and keep the level of intimacy we've had but you're making it awfully hard, the way you shut me out.

Deep Breaths

Well, I took the plunge tonight. Finding that I won't be able to attend a book reading by my favorite author this Saturday, I decided to take a real step towards making my life go in the direction I want it to go...I signed up for a workshop with her next month. Now I have a month to write something real, and to work up the nerve to show it in public. And not just in public...to my idol. My IDOL. It would be like having to play a scene in front of Marlon Brando. 

So I'm taking a lot of deep breaths, and starting to write. 

Independence

My life is a lot better when nobody tells me how to run it.